by Claire Greenwood, AMFT

(DON’T) TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

The subject of love in psychotherapy has a long and rich literature. 

Freud famously said that psychoanalysis was a “cure affected through love,” although he meant the love of the patient for the analyst, and not necessarily vice versa. As a therapist, I’ve felt love for my patients that wasn’t romantic but affectionate, proud, and even adoring. I’ve never told a patient I love them, but I’ve thought it. 

In the therapeutic context, having the thought “I love you” becomes a reason for reflection: what is the transference at hand? What unspoken developmental need of the patient wants to be attended to? And, what is going on in my own personal life? Are my own romantic and platonic needs being met in my partnership and friendships? 

My therapist has never said it to me either, a fact I bring up almost monthly as a point of contention. “I love your psyche” is the most they’ll offer, which I suppose is rather generous as these things go. I polled three therapists for this piece and was surprised that two out of three of their therapists had said “I love you” (alas, this fact did not sway my therapist). 

I can understand the arguments on both sides. Saying “I love you” as a therapist might bring in confusing romantic overtones to a vulnerable situation, or might concretize a fantasy that’s best left open to exploration. Yet not saying it is a way to dance around the truth of what’s happening, a way to avoid facing the music of our feelings. 

Karon Maroda discusses this dilemma directly in her book The Power of Countertransference (2004). Maroda writes:

For some time I tried to circumvent this problem by not using the word ‘love.’ Instead I

used replacements like ‘care deeply’ or ‘very fond of.’ This worked, and was even

preferred, by some patients. But others considered it as a ‘cop out’ and were annoyed or

hurt by my reluctance to use the word ‘love.’ Was I ashamed of it? Why couldn’t I use it?

Didn’t I really feel that strongly? So I abandoned my attempt at simplicity and now use the

word when applicable, always prepared to explain what I mean by it so that the patient

does not confuse my expression of deep affection with the declaration of romantic love

I don’t have the answer for whether it's wrong or right to say “I love you” to a patient (and as a new therapist I err on the cautious side). I assume it has much to do with the particular case and transference. Personally, sometimes I just want to hear it. And sometimes I can’t help but say it, the way a baby bird can’t help but peck its way through its own shell. 

A central question of most treatments is, “Am I loveable?” This question needs to be answered one way or another, and I believe it should be answered in some form throughout the treatment, whether the answer comes in words, actions, or through a way of being together. 

The other day in therapy I revealed a fact about my childhood that my therapist didn’t know.
“Well, that’s another year of therapy,” they joked.
“You love me,” I shot back, accusing. “You never want me to leave.”
They just smiled.