by June Lin-Arlow, AMFT

This month in Potential Space we begin to write about the theme of Silence, as I previously introduced in the November issue of Impulse. Amber Trotter starts us off with an introduction to the topic, and we have several new voices joining us over the next few months to build off her associations. We are hoping that writing about a specific topic will allow our community to engage and respond to one another’s ideas, and if you feel moved to join in the conversation please let me know at jlarlow@ncspp.org. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of joining with patients, especially along issues of power, privilege, and oppression. Many of my patients of color reached out to me after ruptures or feeling misunderstood by White therapists that they had previously worked with. The fantasy is that I would understand their experience more because I’m also a person of color or because I’m Asian or Chinese or a woman or the same age as them with the exact same shade of magenta-colored hair. There’s certainly a place for joining to build trust and an alliance, especially after a negative experience with therapy, but when does joining silence speech and prevent important dynamics and feelings from emerging in the therapeutic relationship? 

The truth is that the more I work with these patients, the more I realize how different our life experiences are. And I notice that sometimes I join out of a sense of guilt about the more privileged aspects of my identity. With a Latino patient who grew up in the Mission district of San Francisco, I am quick to nod in acknowledgement of the negative impact of gentrification, when in fact I’m one of those transplants to San Francisco who is part of the problem. When a Black patient described his son’s experience at a private school, I expressed anger at the various racist microaggressions they faced. In working with a Korean patient, I felt pressure to “get” her dynamics with her parents even though her parents struggled much more due to being working class in comparison to my parents who had educational privilege. 

A therapist’s silence on these issues may communicate to the patient that therapy is not a safe space to bring these issues in. But sometimes joining can have the effect of shutting down aggression or anxiety that may emerge due to potential differences in positionality between the therapist and patient. When is it serving the patient, and when is it coming from my own guilt and desire to show that I’m “good’? That I get it, even though I will never get it? Finding the balance between silence and speaking has been tricky for me.