The term "blog" refers to a web-based journal wherein individuals offer up their personal experiences to anyone with a web browser. The editors IMPULSE seek out local analytic candidates willing to "blog" their experience in training. Our guest blogger, returning from last month, is finishing a residency in psychiatry and is a second year candidate at a psychoanalytic training institute. This piece, "Unrequited Hate," takes up the complex issues of transference and countertransference.
"Damn it!" I slam the lid of my laptop down. I watch the smoky vapors recede into the background. I am done with my process notes.
I think about my favorite, most analytic patient.
"I can't believe I was such an idiot!" I think. Why did I miss the last appointment with her? Why did I schedule her for a day the building would be closed? Why did I miss her calling me incompetent in session? I remember her words and frustration wells in my mind as I recollect my own words. These are the wrong words! These are the words to point out her inadequacy, her failed memory and her vulnerability. Why am I doing this?
I get up from my laptop and go to the grocery store. Then at the checkout:
"You're milk is leaking, sir. Would you like another one?"
"No, thanks, that's okay." Why was my voice so angry?
I'm jolted into reverie. I remember hallucinating my analyst in the place of my patient while I sat with her. I remember telling my analyst today, "I hate you. I hate you for all the feelings you bring up. I hate you for not being everything I wish you to be!"
I shiver. Hate. The words ring again in my mind. Idiot! Incompetent! The feelings feel like they are going to engulf me.
Now I lie in bed finally. I imagine railing relentlessly against my analyst with words and then her being nothing but lovingly analytic. The hate wells. I feel the minutes pass by. Suddenly, an intense feeling of warmth overtakes me. I find myself letting go and falling into a deep, quiet sleep.